Groucho Marx Quotes

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
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