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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like. Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
How do you see that a linedancer came from Belgium and not from the Netherlands? He wears the cardboard box on his boots.
I've just come back from the beauty parlour. Pity it was closed!
Q: How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
Waiter, there is a spider drowning in my soup ! It hardly looks deep enough to drown in sir !
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well, Grandma's very deaf, so I'm writing very loudly.
How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and kissed her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest. The nouns met again a week later and one of the nouns asked her friend,"I have one question.Did he sent flowers afterwards...?"